My Digital Gallery 2012

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

MIA, but trying to join the human race again...

Hello readers, if any of you are left! I've been missing in action for a month now (wow, has it been that long?). I miscarried our baby at 10 weeks and 2 days, requiring a curette, and then got an infection which I am still fighting now. It's been a devasting time in every way and I'm trying to join the human race again while letting myself grieve.
I haven't made much in the way of hybrid projects, done any LO's either digital or paper, haven't blogged or been reading my favourite blogs. I've been doing the daily routine, which has been good as I have to get out of bed and feed the kids, do the school/kinder runs, the washing, cooking etc. But I haven't been with it and I've been trying to pretend I'm OK when I'm not. I've been seeing a psychologist since late last year who has been helping me overcome depression, and when I saw him last week (the first session since all this happened) he made me realise that's it OK to not be OK and that this will take some time to deal with. So if I'm having a crappy day, I can admit it now without putting on my smiley face and pretending that everything is fine.
I had also applied for Uni this year to do a Bachelor of Teaching off campus through Deakin. I rang the course co-ordinator last year and told her what I had in the way of previous education and she said I was a good candidate for the course. However, I didn't get an offer and when I rang the Uni I found out that they don't actually offer a psychology stream there (which was one of my majors). Had I known this, I would have applied to other courses instead of putting all my eggs in one basket. So that's on hold for now while I research some more as to what I can do next year. When I didn't get in, I was disappointed, but as I was pregnant I thought maybe it was the universe's way of telling me to not put too much on my plate.
And my home away from home, my beloved Snap and Scrap, which gave me such joy last year when I was diagnosed with depression is closing at the end of this month. It's just not working out and Gillian (God bless her cotton socks for the amazing job she has done keeping it afloat for as long as it has) just can't put any more into it and has had to make the hard decision to close the site down.
So now all my plans and paths for this year are gone - no baby, no uni, no hybrid CT, so I'm feeling lost and uncertain. Which if I wasn't such a control freak and perfectionist to boot would probably be easier to deal with.
So I'm taking a day at a time and doing what I can and trusting that there is a lesson to be learnt in all this. Thank you for your patience and thank you to all my friends and family who have supported my family and I through this, even when I didn't talk to or see anyone for a week. I am grateful for the love.


Sharon said...

Pene, I'm so glad you got it all down and out of your head so you can see where you're headed and what life has dealt you. I find talking or writing is the best way for me to deal with all the things I've had to overcome too. Some people keep it all in, but I've never been like that. Nobody has a perfect life and most of us struggle to be the best we can. I have had a few terrible years and feel like there's no end in sight to my situation, but you can only be the best you can be and I can't hand the kids back (as much as some days I'd love to LOL) and I can't change the way I deal with life but I have to learn to manage that and get through each day as it comes. I've shut myself off from lots of old friends and even our Mum's group but without the kids and school and kinder and playgroup, I'd probably be plonked in front of my computer day in and day out which isn't much of a life. As much as it is my saving grace, my sanity and where I enjoy myself, I've got to think of the kids. It is hard and I often don't enjoy being a Mum, but I love the boys to bits and they are my only love and comfort most days. Hang in there. I know I can't do much but you know I'm always going to be here for you no matter what :)

maz111 said...

Oh Pene,
My thoughts are with you hon. It is a dreadful time to be going through. It is totally understandable that you would be grieving for your little one, and YES! you have every right to not be OK....we wouldn't be human if we were always bright and bubbly and didn't feel like crap at times....and you certainly have good reason at the moment.
I hope you travel through this and come out the other side feeling much better and happier.
Your course will still be there next year, and this obviously wasn't the right time OR the right course for you this time round....the universe knows these things!
I am really sad about S&S closing, and Bree is now officially 'out of work'. But in saying all this, I may have some good news for you girls a little bit down the track. Hang five and don't give up on having a site to go to. It won't be S&S, but we are working on something over here that we would certainly like you girls to be a part of. We will let you know as soon as we have finished all our homework and done all our sums.
Pene, you will probably have your good and bad days....hopefully more good than bad. We will be thinking of you and your family and sending lots of (((((hugs))))) and special thoughts your way.
Take care hon.

Breeza said...

Oh Pene.......I was so devestated for you when I heard what had happened!! I know from experience that this is something that you never really get over. It is a loss that you carry with you forever and one that can be hard for others to understand!! Take it each day at a time and know that you are loved and being thought of. Love ya hun xox